Hey America, Give BP a Break - Sous la grêle osée

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(July 21) -- We Brits are very attached to BP. Or our pension funds are, at least. And since our pension funds are rapidly falling apart, any Brit intent on mitigating the looming indigence of old age needs to come to the defense of this great British institution. So, as an expatriated Englishman whose pension policy is to be a burden on BP shareholders, let me suggest a different take on recent events in the Gulf of Mexico.

Seen from the land of cheese-eating peace-monkeys, it would seem that a gross injustice has been inflicted on this beleaguered giant and its hapless principal, the widely vilified Tony Hayward. BP has been portrayed as negligent, greedy, arrogant and grasping.

A protester clad in an oil-rig worker uniform participates in a rally on Capitol Hill.

Well, there's your first positive spin right there. Negligent, greedy, arrogant and grasping has been the role an envious world has thrust upon the United States over the last half-century. Indeed, as far as the French are concerned, those words define the American model of liberal capitalism. You should be thanking that nice Mr. Hayward for relieving you of such an onerous burden.

Second, there is a widespread suspicion in the rest of the world that, when Americans need oil, they're normally obliged to invade somewhere warm and dusty to get it. Oh, really! There's just no pleasing some people. Here we are, actually delivering the stuff to your very doorstep, and you're up in arms about that, too. In fact, contrariness has been the principal characteristic of the American response to this whole affair.

It's worth remembering here that there has been a low-grade war going on in Nigeria for the last 30-odd years, largely because a lot of irksome locals think it might be nice if the profits from the oil that is being pumped out from under their land -- the same oil that is polluting their rivers, contaminating their crops and obscuring their skies -- could be used to educate their children.

People really are unaccountable. BP took account of them, though. It did the decent thing and went as far away from people as possible -- and now it's being condemned for that, too!

Of course, BP is no longer actually called British Petroleum, having long since concluded that, if your principal raw material is extracted from the Middle East, having "British" as a defining prefix isn't a terribly clever idea. Beyond Petroleum is its new tag. Blameless Petroleum is the label I'd like to suggest.

Some people might go further. Some people might say that the outcry against BP was slightly hypocritical in a nation dominated by a car culture that has engendered cities in which, as Martin Amis memorably observed, the only way to cross the road is to be born on the other side. A nation where it is thought that the cost of a tank of gas, like the price of a baguette in France or a pint of beer in Britain, could not climb above a certain amount without provoking social unrest. A nation where the Hummer was considered a suitable recreational vehicle for your average suburban gorilla. A nation that was, until very recently, governed by men who thought climate change was what happened when you drove from Miami to Maine.

Some people might even regard as faintly grotesque the spectacle of a palaver of politicians working themselves up into a lather of moral indignation so potent that they were obliged to repeat one another's bold denunciations for what seemed like days on end. But, as I say, there's no accounting for some people.

If your own moral disgust is such that you're feeling a touch embarrassed by the BP shares in your portfolio, please don't hesitate to forward the certificates to me.

Mind you, I might have a slight problem explaining the acquisition away to the neighbors.

London-born Charles Davis is a writer of literary fiction, including the novels "Walk On, Bright Boy" and "Walking the Dog," and more than a dozen walking guides. Read his blog on Red Room.